Consider this us reaching out. We've been rockin' the same Jerri Curl for the last twenty years and as much trim as it's brought us, we've been looking to maybe update to a sweet fade or a tight weave or something. We've searched high and low and we can't seem to find anybody that's able to slap one of those satellite-shaped weaves on our head, and even worse, we called our ol' boy Ray who used to be our go-to when it came to a night of turnin' bitches out and making inappropriate sexual comments to unsuspecting white girls, but his old number is gone, along with the free consultations he used to provide. This is really all kinds of unfortunate because sitting around having our curlys weaved in and brushed through with motor oil was one of our only refuges from the daily rigors of getting up at noon, smoking weed, sitting on the steps, and avoiding creditors. It was also a helpful way to avoid process servers and recognizance orders, but we can just hide in our white chick's basement for that, so it's not a total loss. Plus, she makes a mean Kraft Dinner and we've yet to see a bill with our name on it, so, shit's apparently on the up and up right now.
TOM CRUISE IS A HIGHLY RANKED SPACE CADET
We haven't got the slightest clue of what Scientology is or what it entails, but we do know that Tom Cruise is bat shit crazy and that little video above will help you to understand that a little better than our word on the matter. If you were to sit some fat blind nerd down in front of the monitor that same fat blind nerd would try and convince you that he was watching reruns of Battlestar Gallactica when really it was Tom Cruise dropping more acronyms than a psychiatrist in a public school and not making any goddamn sense in the process. We can't figure out what the hell KSWs and SPs and shit are and we don't really care, but when Tom Cruise starts railing on about being the only guy in the world that can save anybody, we started having flashbacks of "Days of Thunder" and thought ourselves woefully inept as we drank some stuff we found under the sink to help us find the larger meaning of that douche bag and his race car while we came up with nothing. At one point he says something to the effect of: "when a Scientologist drives by an accident, we have to stop, because we know we're the only ones who can help". Well, we found that shit interesting because we remembered there was this thing called the fucking fire and paramedics department that have been doing a bang-up job for all of our lives and the many years that preceded those and maybe we're jaded and perhaps even glib, but if we're trapped underneath our piece of shit Geo Metro, we can assure you that the last thing we want to see is Tom Cruise on a mission from Captain Kirk running towards our fireball and dragging our drunk asses out from underneath to a camp where we have to listen to that laugh for even one second more. The leader can kindly suck our balls. Although, from what we've heard, that's the goal around there, so whatever.
UPDATE: Those motherfuckers from the Church of Scientology have slapped a copyright suit on just about anybody that's fit to wear one and since we don't provide any of our own content 'cause we aren't paying for that shit, every video of that cyborg has been taken down with a nice writ attached to it. So basically Tom Cruise can go fuck himself and at the same time, we're just going to go ahead and point out the irony of these douche bags trying to spread the word of a fucking science fiction writer (!) and then threatening people that do just that. Perhaps their ideas are only attractive when put in the context of a gun to your head and shackles around your legs rather than some snarky commentary and a little common sense. Almost how Tom Cruise was considered a heartthrob until somebody exposed his control panel.
UPDATE the SECOND: He's back spreading the lunacy people... Gawker media has basically told the "authorities on the mind" that they're not the authorities on the law and they're going to gladly exercise their first amendment rights (America) to publish what they consider newsworthy. We'll also agree that this is newsworthy because if jumping on couches and losing it on morning show hosts wasn't enough for you all to realize that this degenerate is a complete fanatic, maybe this will be enough to get you to stop renting "Mission: Impossible". Like seriously, if you rent that movie you're an idiot anyway, but now instead of just having that as a feather in your cap, you can thank yourself for contributing to a demonstrably worse universe where people like this have more money than most third world governments.