As you may have heard, there has been some rough times in the Hogan household. That’s right, mother Hogan has filed for divorce from the Hulk. It’s hard to believe when you look at the family portrait of these commodity mutants; it’s practically the new American dream, reified and galvanized in silicone. But if you look closely, you can see mother Hogan standing a little despondent in the back, and you can read in her face what all that bleach blond and fake-bake cream is really concealing: the abysmal lacunae at the essence of these empty people. I can picture it now: one day, as mother Hogan slowly began to come out of her alcohol and Valium induced daze, at four o’clock in the afternoon, right before the strangers she calls a family come home, ready for their afternoon snack of steroids and ritalin, she suddenly felt that black hole that was swallowing her from the inside out, sucking a little bit harder. And alas, having enough of the attempt to fill her metaphysical holes by filling her physical holes with drugs, alcohol and the pool-boy’s member, she sat on the edge of her bed, and silently wept, in the dark, with the door closed, so that no one could see how her saliferous secretions would react with whatever her face is made out of. Has Hulkamania finally reached its breaking point?
LIKE LOSE 530 pounds... Jesus Christ... It's in your best interest to follow this link to an article where a woman loses 530 pounds by talking on the internet all day long. Really? So... We really think the larger point here is that some woman lost 530 pounds and didn't break the immutable laws of the physical universe by disappearing three times over. We almost want to congratulate her, but you know how those fat people are with the ever-influx weight issues... she'll put that 530 pounds back on like she's in a time warp. Look! She's already started! She'll be through that cake in no time (Note: We have no idea if this is the woman, but she sure is a whole lot of one. We suspect the two look similar and we've always been ones for broad and sweeping generalizations. Yes. Even when it comes to obese women, we're fair and equitable like that. Call it our good nature). Yeah, like, the Internet was a good idea and all, but crack is so much more effective. And proven. There's a lot to be said about a track record. She may even get laid one day when her ample body is all there is to pay the dealer. Oh, who am I kidding... we can dream though, can't we?
We're not even going to pretend that we have any idea what's going on here. Our best guess is it's a telethon taking place in one of those countries that puts an umlaut on top of every second letter, but we really haven't got a clue. What we do know, however, is how tuned this chick got the night before she was supposed to host this debacle. It's really quite something... she's all chipper, then BAM! Then back to being chipper... Judging by those projectile vomit talents she possesses, she'd make one hell of a sorority girl. Or waitress. Just don't let her blow you...
As is well known, we are huge Saskatchewan Roughrider fans. Well, we have finally come to roost after nearly 19 years of utter futility, taking the Grey Cup in what amounted to one of the worst played football games we've ever seen. Regardless, What you have before you is "Lara", one of the many Rider cheerleaders. We're not kidding when we say that we posted the hottest one (READ: only one we wouldn't make face the wall). If you don't believe me, you're more than welcome to click here to see the rest of the team and start an argument. It'll be fun! But I digress. So yeah, they win the Grey Cup, but this is their prize... and since it's Saskatchewan she's probably already taken by her dad and brother. It's sad really. Mostly we're just happy to be fans and happier not to live there. Amen brother.
UPDATE: Does somebody want to explain to me the mysticism behind the hiring of Faye? Honestly, this is a travesty. Who's office did Faye have to stumble into drunk one night and catch with an 8 year-old boy to obtain this kind of leverage? There's no excuse for this. I've seen hotter chicks in the burn ward.
Admittedly, we are huge NBA fans. Well, huge fans of actual NBA teams anyway, so rarely do we watch games that involve the Charlotte Bobcats or the Atlanta Hawks. That being said, the NBA is also undying in it's quest to be the largest social experiment ever conducted. Clearly we do not understand the rap culture. Hell, we don't really understand black people, but what we do understand is that we enjoy indulging in bearing witness to a microcosmic society bereft of any morality or social boundary. We also enjoy the concept of getting knocked up by an NBA player as an alternative to winning the lottery. Plus money! We like where this is going... Oh, and that ad above is a joke. Kinda. Well, it was meant as one, but it's not really. It's kinda exactly true.
Well, good news from above people. It turns out our hero, R.Kelly, is going back on tour. That's right, you just can't keep a good man down. We here at Eatings Nails look up to very few people (and look down at many), but we should probably let it be known that R.Kelly is a man whose career we have always followed very closely, if not for his immense talents on the stage, but for his many exploits off. One could say that we have tried to emulate him. We support him in his many ongoing legal battles as we have been there ourselves. But honestly, who knew that giving a fourteen year old girl Canadian Club would score you a preventative order? Huh? I even gave her the good shit... the stuff that was aged. I was looking out for her! What the hell? I don't want to live in a country where R. and I can't use our extremely well honed powers of persuasion... and a barbiturate... to score chicks. I'll tell you, once these no contact orders expire, it's back to the real women. No more changing diapers...
Click on the Picture above, but first read through and you'll understand where we're going with this. We should give you some background here. This isn't what it looks like. What it really is, is a disgustingly obese woman that's fallen into a hole and can't get out. Oh, that's what the video shows? Alright than, we stand corrected. It's exactly what it looks like. We may have just confused ourselves. We originally thought that it was a whale that had washed up onto shore and fallen victim to the basement of an extremely elaborate sandcastle, but it turns out that it's just a fat woman that's actually yelling about a jelly donut that she left on the dash. That's what she's yelling about right? Isn't it? We can't really make it out, We think we may have just assumed that was the first thing she'd be concerned about. So it's not what she's talking about? Whatever man... yeah it is... it's YOU that doesn't understand.
You all remember this douchebag, don't you? Yeah, you do... "Hey Dude! You're getting a Dell". First things first; Fuck you. There... We've waited years to say that. Secondly, New York Magazine has decided to do an interview with the guy now that he's moved on to bigger and better things... serving tables. I remember when these commercials first came out about 4 or 5 years ago and we were dating this really slutty single mother (Oh, it was awesome...). Anyway, her stupid bratty little kid was all "Mom, I want a Dell! The Autistic kid on TBS says that I'm getting a Dell! I WANT A FUCKING DELL!". Of course, this wasn't cool with us 'cause we knew damn well that if that kid was getting the Dell we weren't going to be able to continue to live for free on her couch; which would have sucked. So we told the kid that we had talked to his Dad and that he had said that HE would buy him the Dell. Ha! 8 year-olds are so stupid huh? Aren't they? I know! I know!... The kid actually believed us! We then bribed him with bumper-car passes so that he'd shut-up about it to his Mom. That worked too! We're extremely smart. Anyway, the stupid little rug rat never did get his Dell, but we got to keep living for free in that sweet townhouse. Then we got drunk and called the house from the convenience store and said that we were his Dad and that we didn't love him anymore. We also broke the news that he wasn't getting his Dell. Worked like a charm. You guys get all that down? She kicked us out soon after, but shit, that was like, at LEAST 4 or 5 free months rent. I also stole her VCR. She was a bitch anyway.
I Find This Funny... I don't Care What you Think... Oh I'm Sick am I? Yeah? Then the Dog gets it Again...
Once there was this time where my buddy and I had gone to the local nuisance grounds and found this old 60's model pick-up truck. It almost started, but not quite. So we picked up this guy that was about 5'8 with tan skin to help us get it started. He said he was from Tijuana, so we were like "Sweet, he's an illegal, we won't even have to pay him. And he probably has drugs! Sweet." So yeah, after all that we brought him home to see if he had any cousins that had stolen any rims that we could buy for cheap. Then we lost track of him for about 20 minutes. We figured he had just gotten ahold of the neighbor's little boy and he wouldn't be long, right? Wrong... This video tells you where he went. Frankly, we're disgusted. We can't believe we let this guy fix our truck. Our buddy also held hands with him all the way into town. That's sick. We told him not to. Oh the neighbors kid? Uh huh? What? Whatever man... the neighbor's kid sucks.
Randy Taylor is P.I.S.S.E.D.... Understand? P-I-S-S-E-D. He Wants his Goddamned Sausage. All of it...
Angry Jimmy Dean Sausage Customer - Watch more free videos
That link is imperative to consumer rights on this great continent. How the hell is Randy supposed to feed his troops? Huh? How? How's he supposed to feed his fat troops and his fat wife if you fuckers at Jimmy Dean keep trying to control his intake? How is any man supposed to feed his family on six chickens, a side of beef and only 12 ounces of Jimmy Dean sausage? Don't you realize what a detriment this is? Some "Consumer Geekazoid", that obviously knows nothing about living in Texas, is somehow going to tell Randy that his "Plump" wife and fat kids aren't allowed to consume all of the saturated and trans-fats that they want come Sunday morning. This is a fucking disgrace. Just sick. I don't know about you, but I'm in the business of making sure Randy's fat daughter gets even fatter so that I can make fun of her making me feel better about myself, and this douchebag from Jimmy Dean is all "We have to scale back on the packaging size because these fat degenerates are contracting heart disease like the spread of AIDS in a South Africa". Hey, thanks a lot Gandhi, but I'm sure there's enough black dudes and computer science majors in the country to ensure all of these fat chicks get laid. Jesus. Some people, I'm telling you. No consideration. Always looking out for themselves. It's a good thing people like me and my altruism exist in this world, or the betas of this world would have no representation.
Look... I like Heidi Klum as much as the next guy, but I can tell you with certainty that if this were any other chick, the backlash would be enough to send this chick into the closet with a thick ball of twine and maybe a plastic bag. In case things didn't go as planned of course... Amazing how a hot chick with what appears to be no brain (cit. : video) is able to pull this off. Maybe this is what black dudes like. I have no idea. I've never been with a black dude. This is all a guess. That being said, it's also a guess based on the fact that she's certifiably retarded (Based on "white girl retard standards" set forth in the "white girl retard standards guide" put out by the "Black man of America" club...) and that the video clearly points to the fact that her brain was somewhere around her Pelvis and that it's since been beaten into a fine mush. Obviously. I mean, it's perfectly clear. I know, I know... most of you didn't pick up on it. That's why I'm here. To help. Oh, and fuck Heidi Klum. Why? Because fuck her... That's why...
So yeah... it's American Thanksgiving... Must be nice for all those people, unlike myself, that don't earn a paycheck being as unattainably beautiful as I. When you're this attractive, Thanksgiving turns into a minefield, the table wrought with goods you'd rather do nothing but indulge in. But we cannot, for we have to continue the full blown assault on your self-image and your complete inability to say no. My secret? Cocaine. Your secret? Fear. So go on, eat your Turkey and yams... I'll be in the bathroom figuring out how to do a rail off the stand-alone sink. Remember though, I'm leaving without ten pounds of stuffing and you're leaving with that plus five pounds of stress-related guilt. Goddammit. I know, you're jealous. I also offer classes.
You people are lucky I share this stuff with you. I can't remember where I came across this video, but it's actually pretty surreal. Japanese women exercising while teaching you such important English phrases as "Take anything you want" and "Spare me my life". I actually already knew the "I was robbed by two men" Japanese translation when I was part of a tandem that used to target old Japanese women, but that's in the past. It was a nice reminder though. As we speak I'm looking for three women that are willing to do a video like this for a few Japanese phrases. They'll have to be relevant based on the culture, so right now I'll need a translator for "I'll take the porn where the Japanese businessman rapes the unsuspecting prostitute" and "Do you want to go to the Karaoke bar? We can get hookers there". We also may need "Officer I swear, she looked at least 15 in that schoolgirl outfit". I never thought I'd bemoan the days where Godzilla made almost regular appearances... remember those days? With the giant lizard? Yeah, they were nice...