Sexy Rexies.... We're all about them...

Unfortunately, this picture does not turn into a video because god knows, of all people, we'd engender the most enjoyment from watching this bony-ass chick clumsily stumble her way back to her trailer. But that's really not the point of this post. We're simply using this photo to convey how odd and suspicious we always find it to be when people lose mass quantities of weight. We understand that for the better part of society the notion of losing weight allows the general public to glean the idea of health, conservation, and mostly, a commitment to a better life surrounded by people of the same ilk, but realistically, we just want to make a point where the underlying veracity does not bare the overwhelming reality. This is not meant as some sort of castigation on behalf of our fat ass nor is it some admonition of what the underlying personal variables are in the never-ending quest to be thin, but goddamn it, we have a single-wide trailer and enjoy cocaine as much as you so fuckin' share would ya? I understand that you've let everybody know that your discipline is now intact and that you've supposedly just reached a point where you decided that you were either going to be fat and unloved or confused, anorexic, and loved and you chose the latter so we don't pass any judgment, but for the love of god, we know your secret, we gave you the guy's number, and if nothing else, we'd like a little thanks and we're willing to take it in the form of 5 inch lines, thank you very much. By the way, your secret is safe with us and truthfully, we never had any respect for you in the first place so maybe when you're done cutting those lines up, you can return to your kid that probably doesn't need your advice anyway but demands that you spend at least a modicum of time with them so that in the end it turns out that the remnants of yourself are at least a well-adjusted kid and not just a Zip-Loc bag of vomit and criminal record that states your affinity for prostitution. Sleep tight.

Christmas at Our House...

It's been a few days since we've posted, but we've good reason; It's Christmas! We've attached a video for you all to enjoy of our Christmas morning celebration with the kids and Grandpa stumbling in drunk. Don't feel sorry for us even though we had to replace the hinges on the trailer door. Let this be a lesson to all of you. When Grandpa comes rolling through the door drunker than a seaman on shore leave at 9:00am, you'd better be thankful that he passed out early last night and was able to get his drinking in early this morning, 'cause he's bearing gifts and goddamn it if there's a time earlier than that and if you think that drunken clod spent 65 years of his life drinking and impregnating unsuspecting women for the hell of it, you're wrong. He did it to see his grandsons open gifts and when you get to the point where you can't even stand your own company without the help of your old friend Jack, maybe then you'll understand how much some company can mean to you. As it stands, Jack is also one of our oldest friends, and maybe that's coincidence and maybe it's not, but frankly, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and at least we've devised no fewer than 14 excuses as to why that whiny little fetus isn't ours. Mostly because after a little math with our piece of shit calculator that doesn't calculate anything but dollars and cents we've reached the conclusion that having kids is goddamn expensive and although we've heard of some intrinsic benefit, we're naturally skeptical and overly so because we've yet to see a kid that dispenses Whiskey rather than drinks ours.

We're Not Going to Take This Anymore

No, we're not going to make a blonde joke; I doubt she's even a natural blonde. Instead, we're going to promote the use of ridicule. Obvioulsy this young lady has not been ridiculed for her blatant ignorance enough in her life. The reasons are obvious: She's hot. She wasn't ridiculed
by guys, because even those who had no chance of sleeping with her still didn't have the guts to ridicule such a pretty face, risking the oppurtunity of being at the right place when she made the inevitable mistake of sleeping with some loser. Of course, there were those who did realize that they had no chance, and would bitterly sneer as she raised her hand in class, awaiting another gem to slip from her moist lips. But of course, these embittered souls never had the guts to ridicule her to her face. And the other girls were just as bad; sure, they'd ridicule her behind her back, but again, never to her face. That would threaten their friendship with the most popular girl in school, and they couldn't have that. Even the biggest hater amongst the girls
would put on that fake smile for this bombshell, so as not to raise suspicion; after all, they couldn't risk their invitation to the cool parties. Though, we don't want to make this girl seem stupid, necessarily, just ignorant. I'm sure she could hustle more money from an old rich guy than 50 cent could from an alley full of crack heads. But still, this show of ignorance is not acceptable. She doesn't even seem ashamed. Yes, we need more ridicule in the world. So, to our loyal readers, please have the balls to ridicule this kind of ignorance, no matter how hot the person it's coming from is. We all have to do our part to make this world a better place.

Somewhere This is Acceptable... But Not Here.

Here's a picture that was sent to us by one of our sick-fuck buddies who thought this was funny. Obviously we thought it was funny too, but we're not even going to comment on it because we'd rather have a challenge and joke that didn't write itself. On that other hand, if we were you we wouldn't be laughing, 'cause if you go to the next room you'll find you're basically laughing at yourself.

Oh, and; No, maybe if completely wasted, no, and no.

Cat Scratch Fever...

So here's a video of our good pal Enrique Iglesias on a sound stage during the making of a video. You must watch to fully appreciate where we're going with this. We were going to get all snarky and start talkin' shit about how this guy can't sing to save his life and that if he didn't have enough electronics in the studio to satisfy even your mother, he'd sound like a cat being sucked through a radiator, but we won't. Instead we're just going to remind you of the fact that he's fucking Anna Kournikova and you're still nailing that fat chick you picked up at the bar whose stomach rolls over her low-rise jeans because you're such a horny bastard that not even your dignity can save you from your penis and that should be just about enough for you to realize who you can make fun of, and who you can't. At this point you probably don't even qualify to tea bag this guy, so the best thing you can do is use this video for instruction. And unlike the rest of the ones you watch, this one isn't to be masturbated to. Peace.

We Enjoyed This... and We Hope You Do Too...

Every so often we come across something on the internet that really tickles our fancy. Sometimes we come across things that let us know that the human race is on the track to becoming something that we think is really positive for the future. And sometimes we come across both. This chick is letting us know how great her tits are. Frankly we agree. But even more frankly, we'd have a hell of a time disagreeing that we didn't like most chicks' tits... even if we didn't. So grab yourself a green tea and pashmina and enjoy the greatness of this chicks' tits. Watch it over and over, even if you become cross-eyed like we have. The best part about that, is that it's twice as many tits as before. And if you're reading this blog, it's probably the first pair of tits you haven't paid to see since your mother stopped breast-feeding you. God bless.

I Like Big Butts, and I Cannot Lie...

Here's another link exposing us to what's really going on in America today. Uhm...my first question is this: If you're going to get surgery anyways, why not spend that ass-implant money on that train-wreck you call a face. How cruel to be born with both fetal-alcohol syndrome and Down's syndrome. Geeez. But, she had obviously come to terms with her gargoyle mask, and decided that it was ass-implants that would really change her life around. It says a lot about the kind of man that she's trying to attract: a lot of gawdy jewelery; only "hits it" from behind; has five other girlfriends, of whom he rotates living arrangements with daily. Yep, you guessed it: her baby's daddy. She can't bare to be without him, and she wants to rekindle that spark that first lead to her allowing him to enter her "raw dog." It's so romantic. But unfortunately, the plan back fired, and her ass is now as droopy as her worn out breasts, and her horrific personality. Love can be tragic. It's like a modern day Shakespeare tale, really. Me thinks thou true issues not be thine posterior, me lady.

Destiny's She-Beast

Follow the link. Yea...wow. Y'know, I remember when Beyonce Knowles was the epitome of a good southern daughter: she went to church; she was polite and modest; she had the body and spirit of a wholesome girl, well fed on mom's home cooking. In fact, I remember the first Destiny's Child video, "No, No, No" (which is exactly what we say when we see her new videos now). She was so innocent then. But it appears that the metamorphosis is complete. Beyonce is no longer of this world; she has ascended into the realm of Diva-Goddesses, a land inhabited by robot-like bitches, whose blind spots have become so big, that they wouldn't recognize their former, earth bourne selves if it confronted them in their in-home day spas. Let's just hope that Beyonce is never in the same building as Celene Dion; she can smell weakness, and the battle will be a messy one. Actually, we're pretty scared. And to think: we used to worry about Oprah...

More Instructional Videos... Less Sense...

Perhaps you'll remember a couple of weeks back when we originally posted the Japanese instructional video set to a few chicks doing aerobics and practicing ludicrous phrases such as "I was robbed by two men", and my personal favorite, "Spare me my life". If you're in need of a refresher, you can watch it here. Well, we've located another video in the same vain with what appears to be the same chicks, except there are new, more appropriate phrases such as "Call an ambulance please". And that's not a lie. Now, we're not entirely sure what the fixation with danger and misfortune here is, but we've said it before and we'll say it again, the only things we've ever heard Japanese people talk about are taking pictures of each other and watching pornography. And maybe the occasional reference to sushi. But that's it.

Please Remain Anonymous If You Watch This Show...

You know sometimes when somebody is talking and all you keep getting are images in your head of you slowly dismounting your chair, grabbing the legs of it and then viscously beating your conversation partner until they realize what stupidity is coming out of their mouth? You know how sometimes that happens? Yeah, we get that too... Anyway, we're not sure who actually watches this shit because after this clip that we reluctantly sat through, we are measurably dumber, and in fact, drooling on the keyboard as we type this. How is it possible that this show is still on? We're convinced at this point that if one of those women climbed up and defecated on the middle of the table that she would still draw cheers. Look, we understand that women are looking for loudmouths that go overboard as a way to somehow signal the emergence of a woman's opinion within the general consensus, but for ONCE, just ONCE can it not be some retard who is ignorant and proud of it? We say this for your own long-term credibility. We hardly think Rosie O'Donnell represents the opinion of the intelligent.

I Enjoy Violent PSA's More Than I Care About Them...

In honor of the ten year anniversary of the signing of the UN anti-land mine treaty, we have posted a PSA from the UN speaking of how it is still very important to eradicate land mines throughout the world. Now, we're sure that's a very respectable mission and all and we'd love to help if we weren't already busy laughing at the misfortunes of others, but let's be serious. We all know that land mines only hurt little poor black kids and Palestinians who have wandered too far from their rubble shack. Like seriously...

"No... I'd love to kiss you but I'm just getting over a cold sore... you understand..."

Are we the only people that remember the show "Knots Landing"? That piece of shit that was on before "Top Cops" when we were like, ten years old? Maybe eleven. We actually can't really remember. Anyway... it's not the point. The point is that if anybody is interested in what happens to somebody when they meet a Toxic Crusader at a party for expired Hollywood Z-listers and blow him in the coat room, here's the result. Just don't. Jesus do NOT... some people need to be told everything.

We are Lucky... Sometimes We Forget...

Russian Woman Folds Frying Pan - Watch more free videos

Well, welcome to another Monday. After getting pissed drunk all weekend, we figure we'd return here with a little good news to share with all of you. We met a woman this weekend and we'd like you to meet her. Her name is Irina and the video posted above is the one that she sent us when we met on Match.com. We were instantly smitten. So, after meeting on Friday night, we spent the remainder of the weekend getting to know each other intimately. We won't share those details (we're still bruised), but she did tie us up with some cable used for power lines. We also used an ocean buoy as a ball gag on her. She's exceptionally adventurous. Next week we're going to reinforce the box spring with a car chassis and let her go on top. She's gentle like that. We're on top of the world right now; we've found love.

Two Girls + One Cup + Viscious Drug Addiction = Classic

Alright, we haven't posted anything in a couple of days because we took some time off from drinking and typing to drink and socialize. Balance folks. In any case, you're probably all well aware of the cottage industry that has trickled down from the "2 Girls 1 Cup" craze wherein people film others reaction to the disgust (the one posted above is our favorite by far). In case you're unaware of what the video consists of, it's two pieces of trash, one black, one Hispanic, eating each others shit and puking all over each other in what is supposed to be some sort of fetish video put out by a guy in Brazil who himself is an admitted fetishist. We suppose in the grand scheme of things, this would be the "Gone With The Wind" of the Scat scene. We also think it's great that people are free to sell their services in whichever way they deem suitable. The eternal optimist would use this as an opportunity to convey the benefits of the free market, while using this as a sign that there is a value on everything, including however many rocks of crack these degenerates were paid for taking part in this. Of course, since we've always heartily believed in natural selection and that our discretion is a part of nature, we say that anybody willing to do this has now sunk themselves to a level where they are no longer allowed to move freely amongst the rest of the population which doesn't go around eating their feces. We feel that's a pretty solid line to draw. So, in closing, if you're ever concerned about whether or not you're fit to live with the rest of us, you'll know next time somebody tells you to go "eat shit", and that's exactly what you go and do...

UPDATE: I'm pretty sure eating human shit can kill you considering, ah, it's like 100% bacteria, so we may not have to worry. Thank god... we can't afford lawyers around here.

From the Trailer Park to Hollywood: The Ups and Downs of Exploiting Your Family for Money

As you may have heard, there has been some rough times in the Hogan household. That’s right, mother Hogan has filed for divorce from the Hulk. It’s hard to believe when you look at the family portrait of these commodity mutants; it’s practically the new American dream, reified and galvanized in silicone. But if you look closely, you can see mother Hogan standing a little despondent in the back, and you can read in her face what all that bleach blond and fake-bake cream is really concealing: the abysmal lacunae at the essence of these empty people. I can picture it now: one day, as mother Hogan slowly began to come out of her alcohol and Valium induced daze, at four o’clock in the afternoon, right before the strangers she calls a family come home, ready for their afternoon snack of steroids and ritalin, she suddenly felt that black hole that was swallowing her from the inside out, sucking a little bit harder. And alas, having enough of the attempt to fill her metaphysical holes by filling her physical holes with drugs, alcohol and the pool-boy’s member, she sat on the edge of her bed, and silently wept, in the dark, with the door closed, so that no one could see how her saliferous secretions would react with whatever her face is made out of. Has Hulkamania finally reached its breaking point?

There are Really Some Things You Should Never Be Able to Do...

LIKE LOSE 530 pounds... Jesus Christ... It's in your best interest to follow this link to an article where a woman loses 530 pounds by talking on the internet all day long. Really? So... We really think the larger point here is that some woman lost 530 pounds and didn't break the immutable laws of the physical universe by disappearing three times over. We almost want to congratulate her, but you know how those fat people are with the ever-influx weight issues... she'll put that 530 pounds back on like she's in a time warp. Look! She's already started! She'll be through that cake in no time (Note: We have no idea if this is the woman, but she sure is a whole lot of one. We suspect the two look similar and we've always been ones for broad and sweeping generalizations. Yes. Even when it comes to obese women, we're fair and equitable like that. Call it our good nature). Yeah, like, the Internet was a good idea and all, but crack is so much more effective. And proven. There's a lot to be said about a track record. She may even get laid one day when her ample body is all there is to pay the dealer. Oh, who am I kidding... we can dream though, can't we?

Maybe That Last "Red-Headed Slut" Was a Bad Idea...

We're not even going to pretend that we have any idea what's going on here. Our best guess is it's a telethon taking place in one of those countries that puts an umlaut on top of every second letter, but we really haven't got a clue. What we do know, however, is how tuned this chick got the night before she was supposed to host this debacle. It's really quite something... she's all chipper, then BAM! Then back to being chipper... Judging by those projectile vomit talents she possesses, she'd make one hell of a sorority girl. Or waitress. Just don't let her blow you...

Saskatchewan Wins Grey Cup, Loses Everywhere Else...

As is well known, we are huge Saskatchewan Roughrider fans. Well, we have finally come to roost after nearly 19 years of utter futility, taking the Grey Cup in what amounted to one of the worst played football games we've ever seen. Regardless, What you have before you is "Lara", one of the many Rider cheerleaders. We're not kidding when we say that we posted the hottest one (READ: only one we wouldn't make face the wall). If you don't believe me, you're more than welcome to click here to see the rest of the team and start an argument. It'll be fun! But I digress. So yeah, they win the Grey Cup, but this is their prize... and since it's Saskatchewan she's probably already taken by her dad and brother. It's sad really. Mostly we're just happy to be fans and happier not to live there. Amen brother.

UPDATE: Does somebody want to explain to me the mysticism behind the hiring of Faye? Honestly, this is a travesty. Who's office did Faye have to stumble into drunk one night and catch with an 8 year-old boy to obtain this kind of leverage? There's no excuse for this. I've seen hotter chicks in the burn ward.

"But I Thought They Could Handle Millions of Dollars Coming From Nothing...."

Admittedly, we are huge NBA fans. Well, huge fans of actual NBA teams anyway, so rarely do we watch games that involve the Charlotte Bobcats or the Atlanta Hawks. That being said, the NBA is also undying in it's quest to be the largest social experiment ever conducted. Clearly we do not understand the rap culture. Hell, we don't really understand black people, but what we do understand is that we enjoy indulging in bearing witness to a microcosmic society bereft of any morality or social boundary. We also enjoy the concept of getting knocked up by an NBA player as an alternative to winning the lottery. Plus money! We like where this is going... Oh, and that ad above is a joke. Kinda. Well, it was meant as one, but it's not really. It's kinda exactly true.

I Believe I Can Fly (And Urinate on as Many Underage Girls as I Choose...)

Well, good news from above people. It turns out our hero, R.Kelly, is going back on tour. That's right, you just can't keep a good man down. We here at Eatings Nails look up to very few people (and look down at many), but we should probably let it be known that R.Kelly is a man whose career we have always followed very closely, if not for his immense talents on the stage, but for his many exploits off. One could say that we have tried to emulate him. We support him in his many ongoing legal battles as we have been there ourselves. But honestly, who knew that giving a fourteen year old girl Canadian Club would score you a preventative order? Huh? I even gave her the good shit... the stuff that was aged. I was looking out for her! What the hell? I don't want to live in a country where R. and I can't use our extremely well honed powers of persuasion... and a barbiturate... to score chicks. I'll tell you, once these no contact orders expire, it's back to the real women. No more changing diapers...

She Really Should Have to Buy Two Seats in the Trench... It's only Fair.

Click on the Picture above, but first read through and you'll understand where we're going with this. We should give you some background here. This isn't what it looks like. What it really is, is a disgustingly obese woman that's fallen into a hole and can't get out. Oh, that's what the video shows? Alright than, we stand corrected. It's exactly what it looks like. We may have just confused ourselves. We originally thought that it was a whale that had washed up onto shore and fallen victim to the basement of an extremely elaborate sandcastle, but it turns out that it's just a fat woman that's actually yelling about a jelly donut that she left on the dash. That's what she's yelling about right? Isn't it? We can't really make it out, We think we may have just assumed that was the first thing she'd be concerned about. So it's not what she's talking about? Whatever man... yeah it is... it's YOU that doesn't understand.

Dude! You're Gettin' a New Job!

You all remember this douchebag, don't you? Yeah, you do... "Hey Dude! You're getting a Dell". First things first; Fuck you. There... We've waited years to say that. Secondly, New York Magazine has decided to do an interview with the guy now that he's moved on to bigger and better things... serving tables. I remember when these commercials first came out about 4 or 5 years ago and we were dating this really slutty single mother (Oh, it was awesome...). Anyway, her stupid bratty little kid was all "Mom, I want a Dell! The Autistic kid on TBS says that I'm getting a Dell! I WANT A FUCKING DELL!". Of course, this wasn't cool with us 'cause we knew damn well that if that kid was getting the Dell we weren't going to be able to continue to live for free on her couch; which would have sucked. So we told the kid that we had talked to his Dad and that he had said that HE would buy him the Dell. Ha! 8 year-olds are so stupid huh? Aren't they? I know! I know!... The kid actually believed us! We then bribed him with bumper-car passes so that he'd shut-up about it to his Mom. That worked too! We're extremely smart. Anyway, the stupid little rug rat never did get his Dell, but we got to keep living for free in that sweet townhouse. Then we got drunk and called the house from the convenience store and said that we were his Dad and that we didn't love him anymore. We also broke the news that he wasn't getting his Dell. Worked like a charm. You guys get all that down? She kicked us out soon after, but shit, that was like, at LEAST 4 or 5 free months rent. I also stole her VCR. She was a bitch anyway.

I Find This Funny... I don't Care What you Think... Oh I'm Sick am I? Yeah? Then the Dog gets it Again...

Once there was this time where my buddy and I had gone to the local nuisance grounds and found this old 60's model pick-up truck. It almost started, but not quite. So we picked up this guy that was about 5'8 with tan skin to help us get it started. He said he was from Tijuana, so we were like "Sweet, he's an illegal, we won't even have to pay him. And he probably has drugs! Sweet." So yeah, after all that we brought him home to see if he had any cousins that had stolen any rims that we could buy for cheap. Then we lost track of him for about 20 minutes. We figured he had just gotten ahold of the neighbor's little boy and he wouldn't be long, right? Wrong... This video tells you where he went. Frankly, we're disgusted. We can't believe we let this guy fix our truck. Our buddy also held hands with him all the way into town. That's sick. We told him not to. Oh the neighbors kid? Uh huh? What? Whatever man... the neighbor's kid sucks.

Randy Taylor is P.I.S.S.E.D.... Understand? P-I-S-S-E-D. He Wants his Goddamned Sausage. All of it...

Angry Jimmy Dean Sausage Customer - Watch more free videos

That link is imperative to consumer rights on this great continent. How the hell is Randy supposed to feed his troops? Huh? How? How's he supposed to feed his fat troops and his fat wife if you fuckers at Jimmy Dean keep trying to control his intake? How is any man supposed to feed his family on six chickens, a side of beef and only 12 ounces of Jimmy Dean sausage? Don't you realize what a detriment this is? Some "Consumer Geekazoid", that obviously knows nothing about living in Texas, is somehow going to tell Randy that his "Plump" wife and fat kids aren't allowed to consume all of the saturated and trans-fats that they want come Sunday morning. This is a fucking disgrace. Just sick. I don't know about you, but I'm in the business of making sure Randy's fat daughter gets even fatter so that I can make fun of her making me feel better about myself, and this douchebag from Jimmy Dean is all "We have to scale back on the packaging size because these fat degenerates are contracting heart disease like the spread of AIDS in a South Africa". Hey, thanks a lot Gandhi, but I'm sure there's enough black dudes and computer science majors in the country to ensure all of these fat chicks get laid. Jesus. Some people, I'm telling you. No consideration. Always looking out for themselves. It's a good thing people like me and my altruism exist in this world, or the betas of this world would have no representation.

Heidi Klum is 2 Points out of Ten from being Ridiculed into Suicide...

Look... I like Heidi Klum as much as the next guy, but I can tell you with certainty that if this were any other chick, the backlash would be enough to send this chick into the closet with a thick ball of twine and maybe a plastic bag. In case things didn't go as planned of course... Amazing how a hot chick with what appears to be no brain (cit. : video) is able to pull this off. Maybe this is what black dudes like. I have no idea. I've never been with a black dude. This is all a guess. That being said, it's also a guess based on the fact that she's certifiably retarded (Based on "white girl retard standards" set forth in the "white girl retard standards guide" put out by the "Black man of America" club...) and that the video clearly points to the fact that her brain was somewhere around her Pelvis and that it's since been beaten into a fine mush. Obviously. I mean, it's perfectly clear. I know, I know... most of you didn't pick up on it. That's why I'm here. To help. Oh, and fuck Heidi Klum. Why? Because fuck her... That's why...

Thanksgiving what? You'd better put that down... I don't see that fitting into the meal plan...

So yeah... it's American Thanksgiving... Must be nice for all those people, unlike myself, that don't earn a paycheck being as unattainably beautiful as I. When you're this attractive, Thanksgiving turns into a minefield, the table wrought with goods you'd rather do nothing but indulge in. But we cannot, for we have to continue the full blown assault on your self-image and your complete inability to say no. My secret? Cocaine. Your secret? Fear. So go on, eat your Turkey and yams... I'll be in the bathroom figuring out how to do a rail off the stand-alone sink. Remember though, I'm leaving without ten pounds of stuffing and you're leaving with that plus five pounds of stress-related guilt. Goddammit. I know, you're jealous. I also offer classes.

Remember All Those Stories of the Superior Japanese Education System?

You people are lucky I share this stuff with you. I can't remember where I came across this video, but it's actually pretty surreal. Japanese women exercising while teaching you such important English phrases as "Take anything you want" and "Spare me my life". I actually already knew the "I was robbed by two men" Japanese translation when I was part of a tandem that used to target old Japanese women, but that's in the past. It was a nice reminder though. As we speak I'm looking for three women that are willing to do a video like this for a few Japanese phrases. They'll have to be relevant based on the culture, so right now I'll need a translator for "I'll take the porn where the Japanese businessman rapes the unsuspecting prostitute" and "Do you want to go to the Karaoke bar? We can get hookers there". We also may need "Officer I swear, she looked at least 15 in that schoolgirl outfit". I never thought I'd bemoan the days where Godzilla made almost regular appearances... remember those days? With the giant lizard? Yeah, they were nice...